I am happy to confess it to you. I am happy to tell you that I am far from normal, that the normal limits of mankind don’t apply to me. That society deems me a freak.

Come here, I`ll tell it to you calmly, quietly, without prejudice. I`m happy to sit and listen to you tell me why I am mad to be trying to balance a full work day with my crazy sports obsession. I`ll sit and listen, without judgement. I realize you can’t fathom the compromise, the level of effort it takes to live the life I choose to live, every single day. I realize all you see is the training and the work and the limited time. I see that you see I am tired, that I look “ill” to you, too skinny by societies terms and conditions.

What you don’t see is the real effort. The packing of 2 bags a day, the effort it takes to shower 3 times a day depending if I am squeezing in a lunch session too. The compromise it takes when I want to go out partying with mates, because I LOVE the dancing, singing and laughing and bromance that they offer, but when I am simply too tired to be a part of whats going on there. The compromise it takes to stay true to a dream, a goal. I know you don’t see me when I`m sitting, 140km into a 180km ride, tired and weary, with 40km of hills and block headwind to get home. You cannot see the doubt in my mind right then, the fight in my head and body to keep going, despite the surrounding circumstance. All you see is “crazy boy spent the day on his bike again”.

You really can’t see that I`m training my mind as much as my body? Really? Interesting…

I full realize that you and most of the people I am surrounded by look at me with caution because they don’t understand my motivations. I know those of you who watch these videos and get goosebumps, wanting to be out there, on that course, that you share that burning desire. I salute you. In fact I am standing on the highest perch with a banner and a microphone for you, protesting the limits of society for you, with you, through you. I know you don’t expect everybody to understand you, but that you feel like an island some days. That the island gets lonely.

I get that. Just remember that life is NOT about finding yourself out there, in the open road. It’s about CREATING yourself out there, in the open road. That you are building the foundations for making amazingly good decisions by pushing the limits. The limits are beautiful. Just when you smash through one, it goes just a bit further again. The limits will challenge you forever. That is their essential beauty and truth.

Still not understanding what I am saying? Have a watch at this, tell me it doesn’t grip you in the heart and wake something in you. For me, I get so emotional when I watch this that I am ready to run out the door and onto the mountain, disappearing for a few hours where I set the trail and there is no route. Where all bets are off on whether I hit a limit out there or not.

It makes me want to go find that beautiful moment where I have to stop and ask myself serious questions about WTF I am doing out here in this state with so far left to go. Give me those moments. They make me laugh at myself. Yes, I am mad.

What am I doing?

This is my language. I know you might not understand it. I realize the crazyness of it all. I know it’s a little obsessive. I am fully aware of how intense it is. I am 100% coherent on the fact that I do it 100% for myself, however. I really can’t complain, all is Kosher around these parts. Thank goodness it`s far from over. Really there are too many great roads, trails and open stretches of water left to explore, too much great food to experience and far too many amazing wines I have never sampled.

I may not always be so driven to obsess about sport. I may switch it to exploration at some point, but I guarantee you I will explore by bike, foot and human power. I`ll be climbing the mountain, not catching the cable car to the top. I am too addicted to the way the body feels when it moves. How good it feels to walk, run, ride, climb, dance, jump, boogie, bounce, paddle and in the middle of all that, with all the senses going bazongkers, standing perfectly still with my eyes closed, arms wide spread, being amazed at how everything tingles with absolute excitement at doing what it’s supposed to do, when the mind and body are 100% stimulated through a full body sensory experience.

Don’t tell me I am mad.

I am well aware of the fact.

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I have loads of questions at the moment, many pertaining to society and why we do the things we do, what sense most of them make and truly, the real meaning of why we are here. It’s a great space to be in, contrary to what many would think. I will put it out there that its due to the training and work stresses I am under at the moment, the fatigue that comes with it and the absolute pure humanness of myself. I am imperfect in every perfect way. That is the way I like to see it. I strive for a balanced life, at times this means 7 hour bike rides and at other times it means I wanted to come home at 10pm but the wine and company were so good that I snuck in after midnight with a smile on my dial and a slight added tiredness in the morning. This is how I choose it.

It’s been a great week for great questions.

What am I doing long term with my life?

How am I going to create a legacy for my kids to aspire to?

How on earth am I going to run the next 20min at VO2 Threshold when I am bobbing and weaving across the road already like a ragdoll in a bullmastiffs mouth?

Who has the coffee?

What is up with the dating game?

Why, if in the first video, are all the guys Lance dropped, either back from a doping suspension or retired because of doping? With all the current accusations there are lots of questions regarding sport and the legitimacy of certain performances in certain sports. It does sadden me a little and I hope that it amounts to nothing so that my full faith can be restored into what is a special sport to me.

How am I going to execute certain scenarios in Kona?

When am I going to see my entire family together again?

Questions are important. I would hate to think I would ever know everything, this I have said before and I will always stand by it. Without asking questions we can’t get the freedom of the answer. Take a step back though and you have to be prepared to ask the question. Another step back and you have to be prepared for the right answer, which isnt the answer you might want, or the answer which leaves you with a improved self image. Courage is a key part in asking questions. Most people will only ask questions they know the answers to or the questions with safe answers.

Even then its not always that clear. Take a guy like Allen Lim, who stood by Floyd Landis, based on the numbers he put out on the day he essentially won the Tour de France. According to the facts, the numbers and the data, it was not a superhuman ride. The facts made perfect sense. Core temperature control, watts control and there you go. Simple, not easy, right? Not so in the current debacle with Landis. Allen Lim is one of the most obsessive, smart, calculating people on the planet and even he cannot answer all the questions, like:

Why come out now Floyd?

If the numbers were all normal, why risk everything if Floyd knew, still took the chance that he might get caught?

What am I doing in this sport if no matter how much sense it makes, some doos is still going to cheat?

I cannot imagine all the questions a guy like him asks himself all the time. They have to think of everything, as pioneers to a cleaner sport, three times as much as the guys who are just gaaning aan like there was no repercussion.

So whilst the never ending stream of questions resounds so loudly in my head, there is hope for me this extended weekend in the form of a mini-camp. 3 days of what it seems is going to be bad weather, long miles and lots of wet cycling gear. When out there, many questions are asked as well, especially on the harder weather days:

What the hell are you doing?

Where is the coffee?

What the hell are you doing?

Where is the food?

Ok, come to think of it, its all about coffee, food and why I am out there pushing the limits. Maybe that is exactly why I am out there?

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While I`m busy compiling a race report and life report from the weekend (it was a big one!) I found this gem and I thought you might schmaak this… its pretty insane.

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